Confessions of a Mockstar: June 2005

These days I don't see my father unless we have official business, like loaning money or filing taxes. We disguise these meetings as dinners or lunches just to trick ourselves into believing that we actually made an effort to spend time with each other. Today was no different... But many things were different tonight.

I picked him up from his workplace and we headed off to a Chinese place nearby for dinner. I passed him some official documents so he could help me with my company's tax forms. Formality over. Now for the conversation to happen.

In the past many years, I have been finding my father somewhat annoying. I could never have a proper conversation with him without getting bothered. So I don't usually look forward to meeting him. In fact, I was used to not having him in my life, and sadly, I felt a sense of happiness that he wasn't a part of it.

Tonight, things were different.

As the conversation began, it was evident that it wouldn't be as annoying as I remembered it. Maybe he has changed. Maybe I. We talked about many things. My work, his work, Fallen Leaves, Philip's new car, lazy people, women, relationships, his new wife... This caught me off guard. I asked, "That's not possible. You can't officially marry her right? You're not divorced yet..."

"Mom didn't tell you? We're divorced already."

     "When did that happen? Last I heard, it was still being processed."

"Yeah. It takes a while."

     "So when did it become official?"

"2001-2002..."

     "Huh? That's when the divorce was beginning to be processed right?      When was it finali..."

"That was when it was finalised."

     "What?! Really?! I never knew... I never knew."

     "So long ago? It's been years.... I didn't know."

The news sunk in. I kept wondering why no one told me. I wondered if Philip knew.

We continued talking. We talked for a good few hours. For once we talked almost as equals. He was more transparent than I remembered. He told me about how he broke up with the previous woman and how he met his new wife. He told me he would like to bring her along for one of Fallen Leaves' gigs. He was just unsure of whether we would like it or not.

     "How come you never invited us for the wedding?"

"Would you all have come?"

     "I would have! I mean, it's your wedding. I guess it would have      been nice for you to reconcile with mom, but it's probably too late      for that... Life isn't ideal. It never is. Anyway, it's been so long."

"Last time with the previous one you all wouldn't even see her."

     "That one's different. She caused a lot of trouble for all of us. Of      course we didn't like seeing her. Even to look at her! But this one      hasn't done anything to us. There's no bad blood. And it was your      wedding... When was it?"

"2003."

     "So long ago?"

Then we talked about my relationship with Mei. Or what's left of it. Even I myself am unsure. We're not together anymore. But I shared with him that I don't think I'm the type of person that needs a relationship, that I could do without it. But if I had to think about it and pick someone... I couldn't find anyone else that could connect with me the same way.

He started drawing graphs in the air.

"Your relationship has extreme highs and extreme lows. You should look for someone who may not make you as happy... but the relationship is less stressful."

     "But then where's the intencity?! I like that."

"It's not as important. Who knows? Maybe you can find someone who makes you feel even happier."

     "It's possible... but it'll probably take me forever to find that      person."

"Like my previous relationship. It'd be bad, then I'd say we should break up, then she becomes nicer. Everything is great. Then after a while she forgets and the whole cycle repeats itself. My wife now... it's been a couple of years, and she's still ok. She doesn't argue much, she's easy-going and understanding. So everything is just (makes graphs in the air again. Little ascents and descents, very little fluctuations. Means stability.)"

We talked some more. I told him stories. Then we left and I sent him home. It felt nice to be able to pick him up and send him home after all the years of him doing that for me. It felt nice to be able to talk, really talk. Tonight, things were different.

Here's to the memory of the passing of what was already fading...