To touch a female lion's bum...

Cousin Nick took a day off to take me to the Werribee Open Range Zoo. It's more like a safari than a zoo. The fences are still there, but mainly to keep the lions from eating the rest of the animals. The animals seemed quite happy with the large unenclosed spaces given to them. There was none of that psychotic pacing back and forth that is commonly seen performed by captive animals.

We did reach there later than we should have. We only had enough time for a tram ride with about 10 minutes to wander around. Essentially, that means we didn't have time to wander around.

We made a plan. Right after the tram drops us off, we'd hurry into the pathways so they can't stop us from seeing a bit of the area. Alright, so it doesn't sound like much of a plan. After all, we weren't that stealthy to be able to escape the rangers' sight. Being idiots, we went ahead with the plan anyway.

We ran off after the tram stopped to the screams and shouts of the zoo authorities. We kept runnning. Nothing was going to stop us from exploring the zoo. They chased us. We can. They yelled. We laughed. They got angry. We got happy. Finally we heard some gun shots! That's when we realised that the situation was more serious than it was. We fell down on the spot with our hands over our heads. We looked behind, right into the barrel of a shotgun...

Ok, ok, I got a bit carried away with my imagination and my exploitative storytelling skills.

Here's what really happened...


We got off the tram and walked calmly into the trek as everyone else headed for the exit. It was 4:50pm. We weren't really sure if they closed at 5:00pm or half an hour later. Either way, we were guessing we'd get about 15 minutes to look around before they shooed us out. So we did our best to walk fast and look at our favourite animals. We were unable to resist the allure to take some photos of the beautiful surroundings, and of ourselves of course. I was a proper tourist afterall. So we didn't really hurry. We kinda took our time to soak in the experience.

We walked past at least a couple of rangers and they said nothing. So we thought closing time was 5:30pm. Not much of a rush then.

We reached the lions and they were beautiful. We took dozens of photos as they lay there like veteran models. No complaints from either side. It must be the hot sun. Lions are quite lazy animals anyway. They, and other cats - no discrimination against the lions, sleep up to 16 hours a day on average. That's two third of their lives!! The lazier ones sleep longer of course.

That fact slowly made it's way back into the dungeon of trivia located in the south of our brains. That was about the time we decided to do the unthinkable... make our way towards the closest female lion, and touch her bum! I normally wouldn't touch a female human's bum, but with animals it's an acceptable social norm. And I would not be considered a pervert for doing so.

So we looked around for the lingering rangers. There were none in sight. We made our way across the fence and towards here. We got our cameras ready. Cousin Nick went first. I figured that if the lions were hungry there was enough of Cousin Nick to go around so they would spare me. I do love my cousin... Promise.

He went for the squating pose and touched her bum. I took as many photos as I could. She didn't bother moving or eating Cousin Nick. How disappointing... Did I say disappointing? I meant comforting.

It was now my turn. I too did the squating pose as it seemed to be safe.

We had our photos and now made our way back before they closed the gate. We reached the entrance of the zoo and was surprised that they had locked us in! I guess we could have taken our time then. Cousin Nick took a piss in the toilet as I found our way out. The revolving gate was not locked properly. I could squeeze in and out. So could Cousin Nick who was the size of two me's.

At the top of my list when I return to Melbourne next is to break in and out of the Werribee Open Range Zoo. Yeah!